I attempted suicide 3 times in one day

I attempted suicide 3 times a day, but I want to start off by saying that I am not religious. My boyfriend committed suicide out of nowhere, left no signs, only a note to me saying he loved me. It was completely unexpected, we have known each other for years and been together for 1. I never saw this coming.

The pain was the worst thing I ever felt when the two detectives came into my work to break the news. And almost instantly after they told me, I knew I wanted to kill myself to be with him.

I went home to my mom, broke the news, cried, and went to bed. I didn’t sleep that whole night. I snuck out, went to Walmart, and bought a gasoline engine. My plan was to poison myself through carbon monoxide. I drove to the mountains, put the engine together, and tried to get it to start. It wouldn’t. I went over it over and over and this brand new engine would not work.

Attempted suicide 3 times in one day | For More, Read!
Attempted suicide 3 times in one day | For More, Read!

I drove further up the mountain, and I contemplated jumping off, but I decided to cut my wrist open would be better. So, with one slice I cut my wrist open. It wasn’t bleeding enough, but it was deep. I got so fucking mad that this didn’t work that I drove down the mountain and onto the highway.

Attempted suicide 3 times in one day | For More, Read!
Attempted suicide 3 times in one day | For More, Read!

I was going 80 in a 50. I looked at the poles along the road. I decided when there were no cars around I would drive my car into the biggest telephone pole. So I did.

I woke up, my car was demolished. The airbag had gone off and there was blood from my wrist all over and a burn from the airbag I’m guessing. The weird thing that happened, my boyfriends, the favorite song was on the radio after my crash. I couldn’t open my car door. I sat their kind of hoping I was dead. But suddenly a kind man pulled open my car door and pulled me out. He cried because he thought surely I would be dead after what my car looked like. He told me this was a miracle.

Attempted suicide 3 times in one day | For More, Read!
Attempted suicide 3 times in one day | For More, Read!

The police showed up and couldn’t believe I hadn’t broken anything and that I was alive. My boyfriend was looking over me. I truly believe that. Everyone has told me no one survives this kind of accident.

It hurts. Every day. I lost the love of my life. But I know he wouldn’t want this, and I am strong enough to get through. I faced my biggest fear and I’m still here, and well. I will move forward. I will get better. Life will go on.

To anyone struggling, just know it gets better and giving up is never the right answer. Talk to someone. Suicide will hurt the people who love you forever. You never get over a suicide, you only get through it. Wishing you all the best out there.

 

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